It is an odd name for such a turbulent ocean. Pacific. Peaceable, pacifist, nonviolent, nonaggressive, nonbelligerent, unwarlike, calm, still, smooth, tranquil, placid, waveless, unruffled, and like a millpond. This isn’t how the Pacific Ocean has been seen by sailors, and probably not how it is seen lately by those in Japan. And yet is is how I desire to be. I desire to dip my oar in to sea of existence that is pacific…to be selfless. It is so hard to rewire the brain; to make new synaptic bridges between neurons. Last night, as I lay in bed and considered my life, my boys, my desires, my fears, and my goals, I could feel the neuro-peptides being released by my hypothalamus. I could feel them coursing down my spine, and I could feel my addiction to them. I could feel how we like the feelings when we worry, are angry, aroused, sad, or happy.

We have become addicted to these states of emotional being. But, like Spock on Star Trek, we must detach ourselves from being driven by our emotions and act logically, compassionately, and out of kindness. It isn’t that we don’t feel, but it is that we are not motivated by our chemical addictions. It isn’t that these chemicals are bad, if it wasn’t for them we probably wouldn’t have survived as a species. Without fear of snakes, a lot of people would have died. But, the logical thing isn’t to fear snakes but to just respect them and give them a wide berth.

So, my daffodil or narcissus has bloomed. Fitting then that the first flower I’ve ever grown is a narcissus. Narcissus was enraptured with self, and all of my life, I’ve been enraptured in self. Re-learning to live in a state of giving and selflessness will be challenging, but I like this new song.

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